I’m His

24 03 2016

While on my walk I said ‘Lord, I just want something of my own…’ He replied, “I’m sorry but it’s all mine. Nothing that you’ve been given, nothing you’ve accomplished is yours, you are only a steward. I love you, I am yours and you are mine. I Give you many things to steward but ultimately they are mine.”

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Waiting

14 07 2014

So yes, I’ve been caught in the web.. Web of delusion.. Web of guilt.. Web of self loathing. No more! I am able to rescue myself. I am able to be free of limited thinking. I have the mind of Christ. I can keep my love on and set my boundaries and embrace this time of slavery because soon my freedom will be seen by all. I am free. This prison has only been an illusion. Amen I am free. Whom The Lord sets free is free indeed.
I am free.





Nine months

16 09 2013

It’s five A.M. I need to sleep I’ve left for sin and I’m here again. I’m learning a lot, Like how God provides.. How He gives and then Takes away. I’m sorry to go and I’m glad I went, this time has been hard but I believe very well spent. I’ve seen some great sorrow and felt some great love but nothing compares to the one from above. He is my Joy and he is my strength He is my Hope and he is my link..my heart is his, and to leave him I dare not think. The sin I’ve lived is death to my bones. I thought it Divine then realized the lie. I fell for the trap and walked straight right in and now all alone I wonder where Have I been? I Bought that great lie, I’m no better than the rest. The elects been deceived, no great vision achieved.. But this one truth I find, my God he’s alive and on Him I depend, my heart he’ll revive and my cross he’ll suspend. I am His and He is mine His love soothes my soul, His love makes me whole. Now my eyes see his smile and I will have gladly walked this mile, again and again and again… Without the sin.





Mothers Day

14 05 2013

I just got back from a very short,but sweet road trip with my best friend Susan. The trip happened to fall on Mothers Day weekend. I had known it would be mothers day but told myself, “the kids won’t even know its mothers day and even if they do they won’t care to see me.” (self pity)
So off I went, eager to yet again run away from myself. You see I’m going through my third divorce and this time its agony, not that the others were easy but this time I just feel so very selfish. I’ve been unhappy for years and just decided I want to feel love. So I left my husband in search of true love.
Fast forward to my trip, I find myself the morning of mothers day experiencing overwhelming sadness with uncontrollable tears. This can’t be happening to me! God has been healing me and now this! No God, I can’t bear this pain. Why am I feeling this? Where is all this sadness coming from? All I know is my girlfriend is downstairs celebrating with her two daughters and I can’t shut off this flow of tears. The pain is overwhelming and how on earth am I going to get through this day?
I manage to go downstairs and muster a somewhat smile, and deep inside I’m feeling more selfish by the minute. I hate being selfish! That’s not how I want to be known but it looks like this is the person I am. How do I change? I tried giving thanks for all Gods goodness but here I am locked in despair. As the day went on things got a little better and I just stuffed it all down inside. We said goodby to her daughters and were off again heading for Vegas.. Yes a little gambling will help 🙂 Not.
We met up with some cousins of Susan’s and as we walked into the hotel room, I was greeted and embraced by the most wonderful lady I could have met. She, for some reason resembled the love I so desperately needed that day. I was feeling so unloved and discarded and this woman’s acceptance of me was the antidote to my pain, God is so good to us. He knows exactly what we need exactly when we need it. I ended up feeling Gods loving embrace that day, yet it wasn’t until today (3 days later) that I understand where all the pain was coming from. There is a saying that what we give our kids is ‘ Roots and Wings’ the pain I was experiencing was because of the fact that I had felt I had destroyed my children’s roots. The storybook house and illusion of a happy family, I have destroyed. But today God spoke to me saying, I have given my children roots, invisible to the naked eye. The roots I have given are faith, hope and love. I have not lost hope in the fact that my God is for me and my God is good. My trust is in Him alone. He knows my name and His banner over me is love. I am His beloved and He is mine. He works all things for good to those who love Him. My life is in His hands and His hands are big.
The roots I wanted to leave are not Gods priority.. The roots I am leaving, no moth or rust can destroy.
I love you my children, more than you will ever know.
Love you forever
Mom

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New Life

29 04 2013

I made a choice yesterday to say yes to God. It required letting go of a very intense friendship, a friendship of love, a friendship of passion but not a friendship in freedom. Freedom comes at a price as we have all heard but when actually paying that price it can seem a literal death and death it was. Death of flesh. So the mourning begins. I asked God for a gift this morning to help ease the pain and today when I walked into work, my very barren orchid plant had seemingly out of nowhere sprung a very healthy, new stem with three new buds.
Tell me there is no God.
Today is a new day, and new life has begun.

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New Life

29 04 2013

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I made a choice yesterday to say yes to God. It required letting go of a very intense friendship, a friendship of love, a friendship of passion but not a friendship in freedom. Freedom comes at a price as we have all heard but when actually paying that price it can seem a literal death and death it was. Death of flesh. So the mourning begins. I asked God for a gift this morning to help ease the pain and today when I walked into work, my very barren orchid plant had seemingly out of nowhere sprung a very healthy, new stem with three new buds.
Tell me there is no God.
Today is a new day, and new life has begun.





Majesty in the ordinary

25 03 2013

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Did I miss His voice? I rushed ahead full force, certain I was being bold and courageous doing what my master had spoken. Now I’m believing I was a fool, chasing the wind of selfish ambition. And I am reminded, All things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose. I wasn’t a fool. No I had to do what I had to do. There was an intense, overwhelming spirit in me that would not quit until I left. And assuredly, as soon as I obeyed it was gone.. And now here I sit wondering what that was all about? I know He who formed me in my mothers womb, who knew me before I was formed, fashioned all my days before there was one. He knows what he is doing and only He knows what he is after in this situation. I will wait, I will trust and I am assured I will most definitely find His majesty in the mundane, the obscure and the ordinary. For you see, there is healing in obedience, and in obedience freedom.